Back To The Beginning?


My insomnia and depression seem to be back. I don’t like being alone when I am like this. It gives me too much time to myself. Too much time for my mind to play tricks on me. But maybe I’ll be lucky and today won’t be so bad…

It’s snowing now. Yes, in March it is snowing in Southern Arizona. I don’t understand it either. At least I enjoy the cold. I really wish I had hot chocolate right now though…(Smile…) Maybe my time alone today won’t be wasted. Maybe I’ll actually have some time to work on my story and actually get some where on it. I’ve decided I may not just try to remember how things went and just write about life now and how the past has effected me. Trying to remember everything that’s happened in the past 7 months is just too boring and tedious.

Randomly I am also missing home a lot today. Not the place that I grew up under a dictator, but the places that I loved for their individuality. My mom’s old apartment, her new trailer and most of all Bisbee. Oh I miss Bisbee so much. A lot of good memories there. I miss my mom so much too. I probably miss her the most actually. All these places are where we used to go to hang out with each other when we started to get close. I miss just hanging out and having fun, not how it is now where my mom only worries about how I am doing. I know she does it just to make sure I am doing okay and that I am not starving or something, but I miss just being able to be ourselves with each other. The constant how are you doing and are you doing this just stresses both of us out. I know distance and the untold stories make her worry and I feel bad about that. To be honest if I could I’d include her in every adventure that me and my boyfriend go through, but I can’t do that without straining our real lives. The way I want things to be can’t happen. We both have jobs and responsibilities. We can’t always be the biggest part of each others lives. I miss when if I had a problem in school or with my dad I’d talk to my mom. Now that doesn’t happen much anymore. I miss knowing I could tell my mom anything and not have to worry about what she’d think. I’ve held back a lot of things just because of I’d worry about what my mom would think. I’ve had to stop a lot of things from happening because of it. All just because of what other people have done. Well there’s my word vomit for the day. I now know how the caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland feels. 

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~ by alicechick on March 19, 2012.

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