Venting: Don’t Take It Personally? and Extortion

Venting is the process of throwing up word vomit all over someone. I believe fully in venting. So here we go! This is my last week at home. On Friday I move back to my college (finally). Sadly since I couldn’t get a job in that town I had to come back home. And since my father isn’t one to waste anything, even manual labor, I was put to work building fence. Needless to say it was a miserable experience for me. The only thing that made it worth the hours out in the hot Arizona sun driving fence posts into hard, dry ground was the thought of being paid at the end of my prison sentence. No my dad wouldn’t pay me every two weeks or so like other professional businesses would. To be honest I am surprised I am getting paid at all. When I was in high school and helping around what my father calls the farm my pay was a roof over my head and food to eat. But I am almost free!

It’s an odd thing all the things my mind hops to when I am out driving posts. Today I was thinking of a movie I was watching before called Little Black Book. If you haven’t seen it the movie is about a young woman (played by Brittney Murphy) who wants to be a…well I am not sure if it’s just simply a journalist or a reporter, but anyway she gets a job on a TV show that is kind of like Jerry Springer, outing people on live television. Somehow a friend she meets at her new job convinces her to spy on her boyfriend using his little black book, better known as his palm pilot. What she does is she uses the resources at her job to get to know his ex-girlfriends. One of these exes is a gynecologist and she makes an appointment thinking she is another kind of doctor. Well her appointment doesn’t go as planned. (Insert little smirk here.) I am sorry but I just have to laugh so hard here. First of all I don’t like Brittney Murphy, I don’t know why. She just looks like a dirty whore to me for some reason. I don’t know how she lived her life but in her movies she just looks nasty. And I like to think I sort of trust people. I accept the theory by Dr. House. Everyone lies. So I accept the idea when I start to date a guy kind of seriously I just assume he lies to me about his exes. It’s a fact of life I accept happily.

Maybe it’s not the best thing that I accept the thought that everybody lies so readily. But I think at some point you have to accept the truth of reality. People lie to get what they want or to get away with what they’ve already done. Maybe that’s a bad way to look at life, but I feel it’s a waste of time to ignore something that is true. It’s like ignoring gravity, you just can’t do it.

It’s kind of sad how easy it is for people to lie now. Not just other people either. I lie a lot now that I am home with my dad. It’s not like I make up a big elaborate story, I just leave out details when needed. But I don’t really need to be doing that. It’s just my dad is weird about some things. Like things with my mom, things with me dating, even things about my brother coming home and his girlfriend. Things like that aren’t lies, they’re just blurry, unfocused, undescribed. And that leads to the extortion part of this post. Leaving things blurry and undescribed for my dad happens for a reason. Even though I am moving out (again) I still have to live by his rules or be cut off. Do this, don’t do that, stay there, go there, don’t see this person, see this person, and don’t say that, you need to say this. I think that’s another thing I learned at college, living for myself.

My mom and I love the movie Eat Pray Love. She says I’ve changed since I’ve gone to college. I think for myself and I seem happy. She said when my sister and nephews were here I looked really happy. Like I was smiling even in my liver. I don’t know if that’s just a sign that I really want children or that I am truly happy. I do love little children. I was really happy I could bond with my youngest nephew. He’s a cute little boy that I spoil rotten. (Chuckle.) I miss him a lot. He and I really bonded.

My nephew and I.

I don’t know how certain children are in my future. At the moment I think I would be pretty happy being single all my life. I would have boyfriends and all of that stuff, but I like the thought of focusing on my career, even though it hasn’t started yet. I enjoy psychology. I want to help people. I want to make something of myself, a small town farm girl from the middle of nowhere.

It’s not that I don’t ever want to be married. I would love to be married and have children someday. Maybe not in the near future, but someday. I just haven’t had much luck with men lately. I haven’t completely given up on them, I have just chosen to not be a typical girl and focus on them and only them. If a good guy comes along then that is great, but until he does I am focusing on important things like school and money and life really. I have so many ideas and dreams I can’t let the hope of meeting my prince charming and starting a family control me so fully.

Looking back now I realize I haven’t said anything about “don’t take it personally”. I thought about what to write about before I actually started typing tonight. I thought “Don’t Take It Personally? and Extortion” would make a cool title. I’ve been writing for an hour now and all my original ideas haven’t been used. So to the “don’t take it personally” thought. Tonight my dad told me since I’ll be living with my future sister-in-law (of course he didn’t call her that) ,who’s a beautician, if she gives me advice about make up or my hair I should listen. I don’t understand how the phrase “don’t take it personally” can make something a person has said that isn’t the best thing all better. I am not big into make-up or really into long “pretty” hair because it isn’t me. Make-up makes my skin break out super bad and I look best with short dark hair. My dad wishes I were different. He wants me to let my hair be long and it’s natural blonde color (which is terrible by the way) and wear “sensible” make-up. The only make-up I use is eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow.

My dad doesn’t understand me and never really has. I don’t mind that he doesn’t because I don’t really like spending time much at home. It may be because my father and I are so different, but I like being different. If I didn’t act the way I do now I wouldn’t be me. I finally like me and I don’t want any part of me to disappear.

~ by alicechick on August 10, 2011.

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