Denial and Acceptance

I’ve made bad decisions in my life; I admit that openly and honestly. Yes there are parts of my life I wish I could forget; there are people I wish I could forget. But I accept that I have messed up before. Recent events have forced me to see life in a new light and learn and grow very quickly. One of those events is my ex. It’s only been a little over a week since I broke up with him. Yes, I broke up with him. I hated myself for doing so, but it had to be done. Why do I hate myself for breaking up with a guy and presumably make a bad situation better? Because recently I know increasingly too well how much my ex is hurting and I want to be there to help him but I can’t just because of how stressful I realize the old relationship was. For two months I thought I was happy and I really wasn’t for the last month or so. People change and show who they really are and sometimes they just aren’t who you thought they were…

If anyone followed my old blog you know that my ex has cancer. Brain cancer that he has had before, a month ago he was refusing treatments. I didn’t understand a lot of this and he wouldn’t let me close enough to learn about what I should do or things I needed to know. That was a part of the relationship I couldn’t stand. I just wanted to support him and he wouldn’t let me.

When we first broke up it was because ultimately he didn’t know what he wanted. Yes there was a moment when I thought he was cheating on me and that’s one thing that got me through the break up with ease. You don’t just get over someone you thought you loved. Thinking he cheated helped me because I was angry and hating him made a break up ease to get over.

My ex called me last night. I felt terrible because I didn’t know what to say. He was crying on the phone saying he was sorry and he loved and missed me. I wanted so badly to say I loved him too, but I don’t know if I do anymore. I knew I missed him and I said I did, but it still hurt. Today we texted a little and he told me he’s not taking treatment and will die soon. So since that’s happening he doesn’t want to drag me into a relationship even though he really, really wants to be with me again. I don’t think I want to be with him really. I don’t trust him and he’d have to spend time winning me back over.

I asked him why he didn’t want to take treatments this time. He said he had nothing to live for now. I tried hard to convince him that was wrong, but he only said he’d already had lost me there was nothing else. The thought that I am responsible for the death of a guy because I broke up with him is eating away at my brain.

I’ve had a thought that I think is slightly profound. The only way to accept death is to accept life.

~ by alicechick on August 5, 2011.

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