Not A Sexy Panda, A Tired Panda

•May 6, 2012 • Leave a Comment

There’s this cute little song my boyfriend and I found like a month ago called the sexy panda song and if I weren’t at work I’d post it along with this article. I’ll have to add it when I am off of work. I don’t feel like a sexy panda right now. I am just a tired panda and I’d do anything for some time off and a bed. To be honest I think my depression is just getting worse. I am working all the time and no matter how much I try to sleep I am always tired. And you know that’s the thing that makes me so mad. I wake up in the morning and I am still so fucking tired. I hate being that way. I wish I could go back to how it used to be when I could sleep for such a short time and be perfectly rested. In high school I’d sleep for like maybe 3 hours and I’d be fine with all that I did. Now I get like 6 or 7 and I am yawning all day.

I feel like such a failure. All I really want in life is to just be happy and make Kreg happy. But I know I’ll never be able to make him truly happy. We are a revalving door. Each of us is only happy when the other is. Now we’re both just struggling. More later I guess. I have to get back to work.


Realationship Keys

•May 4, 2012 • Leave a Comment

#1. Communication

#2. Trust

#3. Knowing when bullshit is bullshit

#4. Forgiveness

Karaoke Night

•May 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Aw…one of my favorite nights. It’s the night my boyfriend and I go to our favorite bar, Infamous, and sing/listen and have loads of fun with our friends. Tonight might be different though. There’s been lots of drama in our little group lately. Fights about stupid little things, misunderstandings and down right bad things have happened to some. But tonight I am just going to focus on having fun. My boyfriend and I hardly ever get to go out in public and just be a couple.

One Of Those Quick Updates

•April 29, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Well I am still alive and still working at Home Depot. I am actually trying to get a promotion right now. A head cashier is leaving and we already needed another one. I really hope I get it…

My boyfriend and I are doing good. Still trying to get is motorcycle running but we’re close.

Music Therapy

•April 13, 2012 • 3 Comments

I’ve been really feeling this song tonight. Well the band I guess really.

I feel like the guy in this song…Like no matter what I do I keep messing everything up. I just can’t believe this is where I am in my life. A year ago I was still in college, living in the dorms and not worrying about money or an electric bill or food or any of this. I was worried about passing classes, okay not even really that. I was more worried about boys back then. But now I have my boyfriend. People keep telling me that I’d be better off on my own though. Like I’d have more money or other things if I wasn’t with him. But then I really think about it. If I wasn’t with my boyfriend I’d probably still be living in my old apartment still going to college and still have my car. But I’d also probably still be under my dad’s thumb, I’d still be worrying about money and I’d still be wondering where my next meal would come from.

Before I was with my boyfriend I was living in a small apartment with three other girls. I didn’t have any money though. I couldn’t even afford to buy food. That’s when I met my boyfriend, at that time my best friend’s boyfriend, and we were just friends, but he still would try to take care of me. He bought me food, helped me pay my bills and just made my life better. I do miss the times when He’d just do things like that just because he could though. Like when he’d just start kissing me for no reason. I feel like we’ve been together for years but no I am just that girl that’s been there forever and I am not that attractive to him anymore…

Do I Have Depression?

•April 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Thank you Web MD.

“Do you have symptoms of clinical depression? Sure, most of us feel sad, lonely, or depressed at times. And feeling depressed is a normal reaction to loss, life’s struggles, or an injured self-esteem. But when these feelings become overwhelming and last for long periods of time, they can keep you from leading a normal, active life. That’s when it’s time to seek medical help.”

“According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

  • difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
  • fatigue and decreased energy
  • feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
  • feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • irritability, restlessness
  • loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • overeating or appetite loss
  • persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
  • thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts”

Well let’s see…how many symptoms of depression do I have…10 out of 11. Ironically the only symptom I do not have is thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts…I’ve only accepted that death is inevitable.

And the award for making Courtney’s life terrible and causing the depression goes to………(dramatic pause) GARY MORTENSON, supposed father and the person that is so phobic of change! Whoo-oo. Go dad.

No I can’t just blame my dad. I chose all of this and I am dealing with the consequences. Yea for me being logical. (Sarcasm!)

I Don’t Even Know Anymore…

•April 9, 2012 • Leave a Comment

This day is just so bipolar for me it shouldn’t even be allowed to happen. I’ve just barely got home from work and today was actually a good day at work too. Today was supposed to be my day off but I got called in and was asked to work for 8 hours. I didn’t mind because I don’t have a lot of hours this week anyway. But anyway towards the end of the day I was put on what Home Depot calls MPOS (Mobile Point Of Sale: A cashier that uses a phone to check people out and can print receipts right there on the floor.) It’s actually a lot of fun. I even made a huge sale at the end of the day because I could walk around and help a couple find items to make a toilet paper holder when they discovered we didn’t sale any. But now I am home and all alone. My boyfriend came in to my store earlier to give me my cell phone that we share and told me him and our friends were going to Cluff Ponds (it’s just out side of town). I wanted to go so bad. I actually told a customer earlier that I wanted to go swimming so bad and maybe I’d go there after work. I asked if they could wait until I got off work but my boyfriend said it would be dark then. He’s still not back… Just a crushing blow to me right now. And now I realize I don’t have any money. Again. I am so sick of having to work all the time and not being able to enjoy the benefits of having a job and money,